Author Archives: prayingtobemommy

Baby P in 3D

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Today was a miraculous day! I got to see my sweet little angel in 3D!

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He or she appears to be taking a nap. It’s a bit hard to make out at first, but once you see it, it’s clear as day. The baby is on the right side of the sac laying on its side facing the left. You can see the yolk sac at the bottom then just above that you can see the little legs and feet crossed. The arms were crossed over the baby’s chest. Then at the top you can see the profile of the left side of baby’s head with an ear, an eye, a nose and that big ole brain at the top 😉 Here is a picture I labeled in case you still can’t see it. Don’t worry, it took the baby’s daddy a little while to see it too!

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This was honestly the coolest thing I have ever seen, and I have wasted the rest of the day staring at this picture and day dreaming. My sweet little Baby P is just over an inch long with a heart rate of 174. I can’t believe how developed and beautiful this tiny miracle is. I’m so thankful that I was able to see this moment in 3D, and I will cherish this picture forever. My husband couldn’t come to the appointment today, so I invited my mom. She was over the moon to see her very first grandchild!

Now onto the even bigger news…Because the baby looks so great and everything is going so well, my specialist released me today THREE WEEKS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE. It was bittersweet. I feel compelled to fall on my knees and thank God that I have gotten to this point. At the same time, I am so sad to leave his office! I know it might sound silly, but these people have been such an integral part of my journey. For the past 8 months, I have seen them at least once a week. Throughout my IVF process I saw them every single day.

Each and every person from the phlebotomist to the ultrasound tech to the receptionist to my nurse to the financial department to my brilliant doctor has been a cheerleader for this baby before he or she even existed and an invaluable support system for me.

These people hugged me when cycles got cancelled and things looked bleak and threw a party in the hallway when my test finally came up positive. When I first walked into that building back in January, I was completely broken. My previous doctor dismissed me with very little hope and even fewer answers or solutions. There were countless days and visits when I walked out in tears and didn’t think anyone would ever figure out my unpredictable body.

How beautiful is it that today I was cleared to stop taking all of my supplements and I walked out a regular ole’ pregnant gal with a heart stopping 3D picture of my little love? You never know what God has in store for you.

My doctor has one final assignment for me. He wants to hold this baby as soon as possible so he can see his finished product and show it off. Once the baby is born, I won’t be able to get it to him fast enough. Without him, Baby P would just be a dream instead of a reality. I can’t even begin to imagine how wonderful and rewarding it must feel to know that you gave a couple the one thing they wanted more than anything in the world. That is what you call gratifying work.

After hugging everybody, tearing up and begging and pleading to stay, I was sent on my way with a book of information for my OBGYN. I have selected a new OBGYN with the help of my specialist. It’s a little scary to meet a new caregiver when you’re already 9 weeks pregnant. It will be difficult for me to place all of my trust in someone else after all of this. I have my first appointment Monday so I’ll let y’all know how that goes.

The doctor told me today that from here on out he expects me to be a normal run of the mill OB patient. ME…NORMAL?! That was music to my ears. He also advised me to return exactly one year after giving birth to get working on the next one due to the severity of my endometriosis and PCOS. I gave him a dirty look and told him not to start on me while my nausea was so severe haha!

You might remember in one of my earlier posts when I was really struggling with infertility, I saw a newly pregnant girl projectile vomiting in the hallway and told her I would give anything to be in her shoes. God heard my prayers! I have lost 8 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. Today the doctor gave me something called Diclegis, which is a drug developed specifically for pregnant women to curb nausea. We’ll see if it works. This too shall pass!

I hope you have a wonderful rest of the day. I will probably spend most of it staring at this sweet blessing. 🙂

A Scary Week

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Good morning! I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. We spent our 4th of July on vacation in Destin, FL. As I mentioned in my previous post, I spent our last Destin vacation (in 2013) in the hospital with a ruptured ovarian cyst. Unfortunately, I had a little scare and had to return to the same hospital this time. Our first morning there, my husband and my mom went out deep sea fishing. I stayed at the condo to rest because deep sea fishing isn’t safe for pregnant women and it isn’t my thing anyway. They left around 4a.m. A few hours later, I woke up in the most horrible discomfort I have ever experienced in my life.

I knew something was wrong. I went to the bathroom and the pain intensified. I looked in the toilet and noticed a pretty sizable amount of blood. You NEVER want to see blood when you’re pregnant. With my mom and hubby offshore and out of cell phone reception, I had no choice but to drive myself to the hospital. When I arrived, the nurse gave me a cup to provide a urine specimen in. I filled the cup and noticed it was full of blood. I started to panic, thinking that there was a good chance I was having a miscarriage and I was all alone.

The doctor came in to see me and ask a few questions about my history and the pregnancy. Then he left to test the urine. Thankfully, it turned out that I had hemorrhagic cystitis, which is basically such a bad UTI that you get little blood clots in your bladder that rupture when you go to the bathroom. The doctor said this is somewhat common in early pregnancy. When the uterus grows so quickly, it can block off the urethra making it impossible to properly eliminate all of the urine.

Phew! I felt a little better, but I was still worried about the baby. I begged and begged for an ultrasound but was met with an emphatic “NO!” The doctor said it was very clear that I had hemorrhagic cystitis and there was no reason to check the baby. I tried to explain that this baby was my little miracle baby who was conceived after a very long struggle with infertility. I told him it would alleviate all of my stress and fear if I could just see that little heart flickering on the screen. He not only refused but asked if I was questioning his authority that the baby was OK.

He left the room in a huff and returned moments later with 2 pills. He put the pills in my hand with a glass of water and instructed me to swallow them and sign my discharge papers. I asked him what pregnancy class these pills were in. He told me that he wasn’t sure. I asked if he could look it up. He said no and asked why I came to the hospital if I didn’t trust him to treat me.

I started to feel both upset and enraged that this doctor was treating me so poorly at such a stressful time. I told him that I would not swallow the pills or sign the discharge papers until I spoke to my doctor and that if my doctor thought I needed an ultrasound I would not move out of the bed until they gave me one. He looked surprised. He was definitely a pompous idiot, and I got the impression that he isn’t used to patients standing up to him. Mama Hen does not play.

I called my doctor’s office and got the on-call doctor. I told him all of my symptoms and before I could get the diagnosis out of my mouth, he said it was hemorrhagic cystitis. That made me feel SO much better. He calmed me down and explained the condition in a very patient manner, assuring me that this would not affect the baby. He told me that both medications the doctor prescribed were very safe to take. He also said that while he didn’t think an ultrasound was absolutely necessary, he was shocked that any doctor wouldn’t order one to ease an expectant mother’s worries. Thank you!

I hung up the phone in a much calmer state of mind, swallowed the pills and signed the discharge papers. The medicine made me feel pretty awful for the rest of the vacation and fear kept creeping into the back of my mind that this was somehow affecting the baby. I tried to enjoy myself as much as possible given the circumstances.

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Our little family of 5 on vacation

My doctor promised to do an ultrasound as soon as I returned home. The 5 days in between passed very slowly. Yesterday my ultrasound appointment was scheduled for 9:15. I showed up at 8:15 praying they would call me back early. I felt so anxious. I just had to see that little heart beating. As soon as I signed in, they called me back. I stared at the screen and the tears started flowing when I finally saw that little heart beating stronger than ever. The ultrasound tech didn’t even need to point it out this time. It was clear as day. My heart felt so full!

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Our little angel baby…a beautiful sight!

She was also able to point out the formation of the pre-brain, the spine and the little arm buds and leg buds. The baby was incredibly active, flip flopping all over the place and the heart rate was 159. I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight. I think it was the first time I really experienced that surreal feeling that someone is actually living inside of me.

A friend recently told me, “You’ll worry every day until you hold that baby in your arms and then you’ll worry every day for the rest of your life.” That definitely rang true this week. Even though I am still in the earliest stages of motherhood, it’s a crazy feeling to worry about the needs of someone else before your own every moment of the day. I think about the safety of every activity I do and every piece of food I put in my mouth. When I’m in pain, I’m more worried about the safety and health of the baby than getting relief and feeling better. This is just the beginning of this new stage of life where my needs take a back seat to another person, and I feel so lucky that God has given me the ability to experience this. I’m looking forward to being a crazy Mama Hen for the rest of my days. 🙂

Seeing Baby P’s Heartbeat

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Hi, friends!! Just a quick little update today. We went to the doctor this morning for blood work and an ultrasound. Everything looks perfect. We got to see tiny Baby P and confirm that there is one baby (not two) in the sac. Most importantly, we got to see the little flickering heart on the screen. It was truly incredible. The baby is currently 6mm long. He or she is actually measuring a week ahead of schedule. It’s crazy that we can already see the heart of something so small! My hubby got teary eyed (something that never happens!) and I just stared in amazement. We feel so blessed to be in such a good place. Baby P’s heart rate was 126 beats per minute. For some reason, I’ve had a strong inkling that the baby is a boy since the very beginning. If you go by the old wives’ tales, the heart rate would suggest boy as well. I don’t think you can put too much stock in those, though. 🙂

Here’s a little video Matt took of the ultrasound so you can see everything in more detail:

Now we are headed off to Destin, Florida to celebrate the holiday weekend. Last time we went to Destin was July of 2013. During the vacation, I had to visit the hospital there, because a cyst the size of a golf ball ruptured on my ovary while I was laying on the beach. I was devastated. Not only was I upset that I missed out on the entire vacation. It was a stark realization that my endometriosis was getting so much worse, and I honestly wondered if we would ever be able to have a baby. I felt so hopeless at that time. How serendipitous to see our child’s heartbeat for the first time on the day of our return trip. It just goes to show you that you can never count yourself out. No matter how hopeless your situation seems, things can always turn around. Even miracles take a little time. Have a wonderful 4th of July, y’all. God Bless America!

My First Glimpse of (VERY TINY) Baby P

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Happy Friday, friends! I had to make another trip to the doctor today. The pain I had earlier in the week got 10 times worse yesterday. I didn’t even want to walk around or stand up. When I woke up this morning it was much better, but my doctor wanted to see me anyway. I feel incredibly lucky to have such a proactive and overly cautious doctor taking care of me.

After a very thorough ultrasound, he determined that everything looked great except my right ovary. I still have several cysts on it. My right ovary has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can recall. You might remember that the constant ginormous cysts it produces resulted in cancellation of two of my earlier cycles. I thought that once I got pregnant it would calm down, but apparently it’s still fighting the good fight. You almost have to admire its tenacity.

The good news is that while these cysts are causing a lot of pain, they are not dangerous and will not affect the baby. That’s all that matters to me! My doctor asked me to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and stay off of my feet as much as I can. The best part about my appointment today, though, was that I got my very first glimpse of the baby!!!

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Baby P!

The big circle you see is the gestational sac, which is filled with amniotic fluid and will be the baby’s home until he or she makes their debut. The smaller circle inside of the big circle (on the left hand side) is the yolk sac. The yolk sac supplies nutrients to the baby in early pregnancy. Then if you can see that object that looks like a tiny grain of rice and stretches from inside the bottom half of the yolk sac down to the bottom of the gestational sac, THAT is our baby!

I know it’s really small. You’re probably squinting and still can’t see what I’m talking about. But it’s there. That’s my sweet little angel. It’s hard to believe that within the next 34 weeks that tiny little grain of rice will develop and grow into a fully functioning human being. Until then, I will do everything in my power to nourish and protect that little baby and give it everything it needs to prosper. Now the real question is…who does Baby P look like? Mom or Dad?

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Dad on the left and Mom on the right

Or do you think it’s too soon to tell? 🙂

The Most Beautiful Little Sac I Ever Did See

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There it is in all its glory…my beautiful little gestational sac! I was originally supposed to go to the doctor Thursday, but I started having some really sharp pains on my right side yesterday afternoon. I called the doctor, who said he felt confident that the pain was due to my ligaments stretching out to make room for the baby but asked me to come in a day early just to be sure.

I barely slept last night because I was anxious to make sure everything was ok and excited about seeing our baby or babies’ sacs today. Matt and I were extremely giddy when the ultrasound tech called us back. We couldn’t wait to see something…anything! Before we knew it, this beautiful little sac came up on the screen. How are we so lucky to be blessed with this miracle?

The ultrasound tech said the sac looked perfect and she could even see a very defined formation of the yolk sac inside of it. She checked around to make sure there weren’t any other sacs. Since there is 1 sac, we know that only 1 of the 2 embryos we transferred actually implanted. We are most likely expecting 1 baby, but the doctor said there is about a 20% chance that the embryo split and there are identical twins inside of the sac. They couldn’t tell yet, but we will be able to see inside of the sac next Thursday!

I am mesmerized by that beautiful picture. I came home and framed it immediately. It’s crazy how much I already love this tiny little baby. I am beyond grateful that everything is developing right on track. I will never take this gift for granted. I feel so lucky that God entrusted us with this precious child.

As much as I wish we could have gotten pregnant the easy way, I do have to admit that it has been cool to watch this process unfold. Most OB patients don’t get their first glimpse of their baby for another 2 and a half weeks. First, we got to see the embryos. Then we got to watch the embryos go into the uterus on ultrasound. Then we got the positive pregnancy test. This week we got to see the gestational sac. Next week we get to see what’s inside of the sac and the following week we get to hear the heartbeat. It’s like opening a new present every week. I can’t wait to see what comes next.

I do have one little soapbox and/or disclaimer, though. A few people I’ve told this morning have said, “Aww it’s only one?” or, “Oh it’s JUST one?” No. It’s ONLY the most beautiful miracle I’ve ever seen and JUST one more baby than I thought I might ever be able to have. People asked if we were disappointed. Is that a real question? How could anyone, especially a couple who has yearned and struggled for a baby as much as we have, EVER be disappointed to see their child for the first time? Please.

Anyway, on a happier note, we got to celebrate Matt’s first Father’s Day this weekend.

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Happy 1st Father’s Day, Matt!

He loves to fish, so I embroidered 2 outfits (boy and girl options) that said “Daddy’s Fishing Buddy.”

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Daddy’s Fishing Buddy

I also decided that I want to take weekly bump pictures and make them into a collage for the baby book. I enter a new week of pregnancy every Sunday, so I thought Father’s Day would be a fun occasion to take the first.

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1st bump picture. The belly is really left over from all of the IVF meds and not from the baby yet.

We have been having a lot of fun with the journey and enjoying every moment. I plan to savor each step of the pregnancy. I couldn’t be more thankful for this incredible opportunity. All of you continue to be in my prayers. Hopefully I will have a picture of the (very tiny) baby to show you next Thursday. Have a wonderful rest of the week! 🙂

Weekly Check-up

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Hi, friends! I hope you’re all having a great week. I went to the doctor today for my first visit since the positive blood test. I had to get repeat blood work to make sure my hCG level was doubling and a blood flow study to ensure my arteries were pumping an adequate blood supply to my uterus. Additionally, they were going to perform an ultrasound today to see if they could see the gestational sacs. Since I’m only 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant, they told us it was highly unlikely we would be able to see the sacs yet. We hoped we could, though, because that would tell us if we are going to have one baby or two. I was excited about the possibility of finding out so soon, but that didn’t matter all that much to me. Most importantly, I wanted to hear that my levels had risen appropriately and my blood flow looked good.

I got my blood drawn and then started off with an ultrasound. The tech told us it was too soon to see the sacs. I think Matt was a little disappointed, but I was more focused on the task at hand. Tell me that baby or those babies are healthy! Then it was on to the blood flow ultrasound. They checked my blood flow laying down and standing up. As it turns out, my arteries are doing a great job of pumping a nice blood supply to the uterus. Alleluia!

Once that was finished, we waited for an hour until the blood tests came back. I was so nervous! What if the levels hadn’t doubled? What if something was wrong? After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor called me into his office. My original hCG level last Friday (7 days post transfer) was 49. The hCG level only needed to reach 200 today to indicate a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby or babies. I prayed he would tell me the level was 200, but he didn’t. IT WAS ACTUALLY 465!!! Such amazing news! God just keeps blessing us at every turn.

My estrogen and progesterone levels were also right where they were supposed to be (FINALLY!). So, I can stop taking the daily injections and switch to cream and pills. I just can’t comprehend all of this good news. We are so blessed and all the glory goes to God for every positive thing that has happened to us.

The outpouring of love and support from family and friends has been almost impossible to digest. This baby or these babies are so incredibly loved already. Thank you to each and every person who has called, texted, prayed, come to visit, mailed us cards and gifts or reached out in any way. We are eternally grateful. My heart is still overflowing with joy, and I can’t believe this is real.

For the first few days it hadn’t sunk in at all. It’s finally starting to sink in, though, because I have been experiencing a lot of morning sickness, migraines, fatigue and food aversions. I feel like I am starving and then as soon the food is in front of me, I can’t even look at it and start gagging. The cool thing about going through infertility, though, is that even when your head is hanging in the toilet bowl, you have a smile on your face. I will gladly be sick every day until delivery if it means I get to hold my precious baby in my arms.

I am going back next Thursday for another ultrasound. The doctor said they will definitely be able to see how many babies are growing inside of me then, so I’ll keep y’all posted. Matt thinks it’s twins and I go back and forth daily between 1 and 2.

I want to share one more thing that is very personal. The day I found out my first fertility treatment didn’t work was the absolute lowest point I hit throughout my journey. I was so confident that it was going to be successful. When it wasn’t, I was shattered. I sobbed for an entire day straight and just didn’t know if I could pick myself up and keep going. It was probably the saddest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I looked in the mirror, and I saw such a void of happiness in my eyes. It scared me, and the last thing I wanted to do was take a picture. I decided that I needed to take one, though, because one day I would come out on the other side. I could take a picture the day I found out I was pregnant and put these pictures side by side to see just how far I had come. Here is that side by side comparison for you:

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I’m not sharing this because I think it’s a cute picture. I’m well aware of the fact that it’s probably the worst picture I’ve ever taken. The reason I’m sharing is because I want to inspire all of you who are still struggling with infertility or any other issue in your life. Maybe you have hit rock bottom and you feel like nothing will ever go your way again. It will. As Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” You might look and feel like the picture on the left today, and that’s ok. But I promise you, one day you will be the girl on the right. Keep trying, keep dreaming and keep your faith in God. Sending love and light to each of you! ❀

Soon to be Mommy

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I am sitting here still in complete disbelief as I share the news with you that I AM PREGNANT! I still can’t believe it. I can’t process it. I can’t believe it’s real! Here’s how it all went down…

Last Friday (June 5th), the doctor transferred 2 of our embryos into my uterus. I was on strict bed rest for the entire weekend. I could only get up to use the potty. I have to give a huge shout out to my mom, who kept me at her house and took incredible care of me all weekend while Matt was working. She fixed me meals and snacks, gave me my shots, took care of my dogs and hand delivered any and everything to the couch to make sure I didn’t have to move an inch. She is an outstanding role model for me, and I hope I can be even half the mom she is. With her loving care and attention, the weekend flew by.

By the time I came back home and Monday rolled around, the anxiety started creeping in. I wanted to take a home test, but I knew I couldn’t. The trigger shot (which contains the pregnancy hormone and can produce a false positive) was still in my system. I started googling what the embryos should be doing day by day and what, if any, symptoms I should be experiencing. Doubt started to creep in because I didn’t feel any different. I started to wonder how I would handle it if we got bad news. I didn’t think I could take it. If this didn’t work after everything we’ve been through, I honestly wasn’t sure I could handle another blow of that magnitude. My mind started to race and I went to afternoon Mass to calm myself down. I left Mass with a renewed sense of faith that I could handle the outcome, whatever it may be. I had definitely lost confidence, though.

When you go through fertility treatments month after month and you never get good news, you start to become a little jaded. It’s not that you want to be negative. It’s just that you feel like you have to protect yourself. I decided that I would remain cautiously optimistic. I went to the drug store and bought a box (ok, 3 boxes) of pregnancy tests. My doctor advised me not to use home tests, because they only detect such a high level of hCG that I was highly unlikely to get a positive before my blood test. Of course I didn’t listen. I have peed on hundreds, if not thousands, of tests throughout our journey. Matt jokes that he wishes he had bought stock in First Response as soon as we started trying to conceive.

Tuesday morning I woke up and used my first home test. I was relieved to see it was negative, because that meant the trigger shot had left my body. Now it was game time, and I knew I could test away!

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Tests, tests and more tests!

Wednesday morning I woke up and used my second home test around 5a.m. It was negative, so I went back to sleep for a bit. When I woke up for the day, I took a closer look at it. After holding it in numerous different lights, I noticed that there was the faintest, tiniest semblance of a shadow of a second line. I ran in the other room and showed it to Matt. He told me I was crazy and that it was probably an evaporation line. I was indignant. I have taken more pregnancy tests than just about anyone in the world, and I have NEVER EVER EVER even seen a hint of a second line. I tried not to get my hopes up. It was a “squinter” for sure, but it was there. I went about my day with an added spring in my step.

Thursday morning I woke up and took another test. The line was still faint, but it was undeniable at this point. The tears started flowing and just wouldn’t stop. I danced all over the house, laughed, cried and felt the craziest rush of emotions I have ever felt. My doctor usually performs the blood test 9 days after the transfer. In my case, 9 days post transfer fell on a Sunday (of course). He said he could do the blood test Friday but very few patients get a positive result that soon. So, we originally opted to do the blood test Monday. After I saw that second line Thursday, though, I changed my mind and re-scheduled the blood test for the next morning at 8a.m.

Friday morning I woke up and took another home pregnancy test. The second line was even darker! I tried to contain my excitement as I drove over to the doctor’s office. The nurse called me back and explained that it was extremely rare for a positive blood test to show up this soon. She was trying to manage my expectations. That’s when I hit her with the news that I hadn’t followed their advice and I had been taking home tests and getting positives. She assured me that if it was already showing up on home tests, it would ABSOLUTELY show up on the blood work. She congratulated me and hugged me, the receptionist hugged me, the phlebotomist hugged me and we basically had a party in the hall. The tears flowed down my face, and my heart felt so full to know that they were THAT happy for me. They have seen me through my worst times. I have walked out of the office in tears on numerous occasions, but happy tears were definitely something new!

I still felt like I had to hear the results of the blood work to believe it. Maybe the tests were errors. This was just too good to be true. I got my blood drawn and made a quick trip to Target to pass the time. I drove home and walked in the house at the exact moment the phone rang. It was my nurse. Not only was the test positive, but the level was fairly high. We either have 1 very healthy baby on our hands or twins! Cue the waterworks!

Matt had just walked in from working overnight and I got to tell him he was officially going to be a Daddy. He was exhausted but elated. No rest for him! We were off to tell my mom and his parents the good news. They were over the moon. We came home, and he finally got a nap. We spent the rest of the day calling and texting family and friends with the incredible news. Last night, my aunts were eating at my mom’s house, so I showed up with baby carriage and pacifier balloons. They started crying.

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Holding the balloons with my mom!

Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. The weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders, and everything is just a little sweeter. I can’t explain the joy I feel in my heart. I can’t wipe this silly smile off of my face. There is at least one little angel living inside of me. How did I get so lucky?

There were lots of days when I never thought I would get to experience this. Days I never thought I would get to feel the joy of pregnancy and I thought the prospect of us having a child was just impossible. I’m living proof that no matter how bad your conditions are, no matter how impossible things seem, no matter how many valleys you go through and setbacks you experience, and no matter how many times the answer is “no,” there will come a day when the answer will be “yes.” In the blink of an eye, God can turn it all around. If you follow this blog because you’re struggling with infertility or even if you’re dealing with an unrelated issue in your life, I’m here to tell you: DON’T GIVE UP. DON’T LOSE HOPE. DON’T EVER ACCEPT DEFEAT. It may take a long time. It’s taken a lot of people a hell of a lot longer than it’s taken me, but you WILL get your miracle. And when you do, your heart will be so full with joy that all of the hurt from the past will melt away. The sun will shine brightly again. Brighter than it ever has before, in fact. The light will come at the end of the tunnel. You’ll see the rainbow after the storm. Keep dreaming. Keep praying. Most importantly, keep your faith in God. Nothing is impossible when He is on your side.

I want to thank each and every one of you for reading my blog. You have given me a purpose and kept me focused on the good days and the bad. In you I have found an outlet, a support system, an army of prayers and a network of friends. You have been an invaluable part of my life, and there’s just no way I could possibly thank you enough. I will continue to write and chronicle my pregnancy for those who are interested. If you’re going through infertility and it’s too difficult to see pregnancy updates, I completely understand that too. I’ve been there.

Please continue to keep my ever growing little family in your prayers. I go back to the doctor Thursday for repeat blood work to make sure my numbers are doubling every few days, a blood flow ultrasound to make sure my arteries are pumping an adequate blood supply to my uterus and an ultrasound to hopefully see if we have one little Pipplet in there or 2.

Again, thank you. I am the most blessed woman on Earth. When I first started this blog, I didn’t know if even one person would read it. The fact that so many of you read and care so deeply is something for which I will never be able to convey my sincere gratitude. Because of you, I am no longer Praying to be Mommy but Soon to be Mommy. 🙂

The Waiting Game

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Hi friends! I know I’ve been MIA since my transfer last Friday, but there hasn’t been much to report. It’s all just a waiting game now and I’m left feeling like Sweet Brown…Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That. I will go to the doctor on Monday, June 15th for my beta hCG blood test to find out if I’m pregnant or not. I’m trying to keep myself occupied, but the wait is driving me a little crazy.

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Today we are 4 days post transfer, so the embryos should really be getting to work and getting their implant on. I have done everything I can think of to encourage them to do so. First of all, I’ve been playing a lot of Justin Timberlake for them. My children have no choice but to like him, so I want to get them started early. We’ve already made it through 3 of his albums.

I’ve also been looking for signs everywhere. Y’all know how I am about my signs. Matt and I ate Chinese food and I got this fortune:

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I was elated! The doctor told me I can start testing at home over the weekend but probably won’t get a positive until Monday. The answer to our all important question was revealed by a fortune cookie! We will find out this weekend that I’m pregnant! I know, I’m crazy. Everyone I have shown this to so far has either laughed, shaken their head or done a combination of the two. What do you think…generic fortune cookie insert or message from above? 🙂

Also, someone messaged me to recommend positive visualization of embryos implanting by a specific spoken word artist. I tried to listen to those yesterday, but Matt told me to “turn that hippy sh** off.” I listened to them this afternoon while he was gone, and they were quite enlightening. I learned that my uterus is smooth and supple. A little bit out there, but hey whatever works.

I’ve also been using the relics and oils people have given me throughout our ongoing battle with infertility. My favorite saint to pray to is St. Gerard Majella. He is the patron saint of infertility as well as expectant mothers. I wear his medal around my neck every day. You won’t catch me without it. Holding onto it is the only thing that has gotten me through some of my toughest doctor appointments. He was with me the day I thought I was going to lose an ovary, and he has been with me at every appointment since. I also have a small piece of cloth that was touched to one of his relics that I like to rub on my belly.

Another person I like to pray to is Blessed Francis Xavier Seelos. He was from my hometown of New Orleans and is credited with numerous miracles. Pope John Paul II proclaimed him Blessed in 2000, and he is just one miracle away from becoming a saint. I was lucky enough to visit his shrine with my friends Mrs. Betty and Brittanie and get blessed with his relic and the cross he used to pray with. When I went to the shrine, I was at an ultimate low. We kept getting setback after setback and weren’t even able to proceed with treatment. Shortly thereafter, things started looking up and we were able to start our treatments. I don’t believe in coincidences, only miracles. I keep a cross and a piece of cloth that were touched to Father Seelos’ relics on my nightstand, and I have been rubbing those on my belly every night too. If you ever get a chance to visit the shrine in New Orleans, you should! It is beautiful. You can read more about Father Seelos here: http://www.seelos.org

Another thing I like to rub on my belly is holy oil from the Basilica of Sainte Anne de BeauprĂ© in Quebec, Canada. The shrine was built in honor of St. Anne, who was the mother of Mary. It has been credited with countless miracles of healing. I haven’t made my way to Canada yet, but a close family friend who suffered with infertility brought me a bottle of the oil. He and his wife conceived a month after visiting the shrine after years of exploring every option available.

The funny thing about going through something like this is that everyone you meet offers different solutions that have worked for them. I can honestly say I have tried them all. I won’t be able to credit a particular saint for interceding when our little miracle comes along because I have called on so many. Instead, I will give credit to each and every person who has offered help and prayers along the way.

I’ve read that when you go through your darkest times, that’s when you flex and strengthen your spiritual muscle the most and that’s when your faith grows by leaps and bounds. It’s absolutely true. When things are going well in your life, it’s easy to forget to stop and thank God. But when you struggle and you suffer and you fail to understand, faith is the only thing that pulls you through.

Of course I always wish our path to parenthood could have been easier and we could have conceived with little to no effort like most people. But that wasn’t God’s plan for us. God chose us to be the 1 in 8 couples who have to struggle and fight a little harder. I’m thankful for the growth I’ve experienced in my faith and my relationship with God throughout this process.

Please pray the test is positive Monday and that I can have a healthy pregnancy. If It’s negative, I can honestly tell you I will be devastated beyond belief. I know God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers, though, and I will keep fighting the good fight either way. I promise to update as soon as I know something and have shared the results with family and close friends. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for every single prayer and positive thought you have sent our way.

I’m PUPO!

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As of this morning, I’m officially PUPO-Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. You really can’t make this stuff up. I’m tempted to design a line of fertility treatment inspired t-shirts emblazoned with all of the crazy terminology and acronyms you learn along the way.

Today was a GREAT day. We didn’t think Matt was going to be able to make it because he was out of town working. By some crazy miracle, he made it back in town and popped into my room with moments to spare. Doesn’t he look cute in scrubs?

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Daddy all scrubbed up and ready to go!

We waited around for a little while until the embryologist gave a final report. 8 of our embryos made it to the blastocyst stage.  We spoke with our doctor and confirmed our decision to implant the 2 best blastocysts this morning and freeze the remaining 6 for later attempts. Then he handed us our first picture of our sweet little babies, and I just about lost it.

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Babies’ First Picture!

They are the most beautiful little babies I’ve ever seen! I immediately pulled a sheet protector out of my purse to put the picture in before it got damaged. Everyone got a pretty good laugh out of that. Then it was time for the transfer. Everything went well. It was incredible to watch the embryos going into my uterus on the screen. Definitely a moment Matt and I will never forget. We even got our first ultrasound picture of the embryos inside of my uterus! That one went straight into the sheet protector too!

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The embryos are the little white area under the pointer!

Some time within the next couple of hours the embryos should hatch out of their shells and (HOPEFULLY) implant in my uterus. I am on strict bed rest for the next 48 hours while these 2 little babies do their thing. I’m already giving them pep talks and telling them to make themselves at home. They better listen to their Mama! On June 15th, I’ll get a blood test that will tell us whether they have decided to stick around.

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With any luck, we can repeat this picture in 37 weeks with 2 little bundles of joy in our arms. Thank you, thank you, thank you for the prayers! All of your love and support has touched my heart in ways you can’t even imagine. Please continue to pray that our embryos will implant and develop into healthy babies! Have a great weekend, y’all! 🙂

A Week of Lasts

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Tomorrow morning at 8a.m. two of our beautiful little embryos will be transferred into my uterus. If those lil guys get in there, hunker down and make themselves at home, I will be 3 weeks pregnant as of tomorrow. Insanity! Then, of course, there’s a chance that they won’t and I won’t become pregnant at all. Either way, I won’t know how it plays out until my blood test in 12 days. With that being said, I have to act as though I’m pregnant as soon as the embryos are transferred in the morning.

That got me thinking. I wanted to make sure I enjoyed the last time I would do some of my favorite things for a while. I know I might only be giving up these things for 12 days if I get a negative on June 14th; however, there’s a 50-75% chance I won’t be doing these things again until late February after I give birth. Some of you will think I’m crazy. I’m sure many of you already do anyway. And you’re right, I am. Some of you will think this is overly optimistic. Those of you who are superstitious might even think it’s back luck. I choose positivity. I believe a large part of the outcome is based on the outlook. So, I choose to believe that this WILL work, that I WILL be 3 weeks pregnant tomorrow and that I won’t be indulging in any of these things ’til late February. So, here is my week of lasts:

  • Monday I didn’t celebrate any “lasts” because I was still recovering from the retrieval surgery the day before.
  • Tuesday, I celebrated my last alcoholic beverage. My favorite drink of all is white sangria from the Mexican restaurant by our house, so I knew that had to be my last drink. I could only have 1 because I’m on antibiotics and steroids to prevent my body from rejecting the embryos. That was a little tough, but it sure was delicious!
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My last alcoholic beverage

  • Wednesday, I got my hair highlighted for the last time. My doctor doesn’t allow you to color your hair during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, so I had to make sure to get this one in! Thanks to Keri Wisler for fitting me in very last minute.
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My last highlight

  • Tuesday night I remembered that my second favorite alcoholic beverage is Sweet Riesling, so I had another “last drink.” Whoopsie! I am a New Orleans girl, after all.
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My other last alcoholic beverage

  • This morning was the toughest “last” of all…my LAST cup of espresso. If you know me well, you know that I basically can’t be addressed in the morning until I’ve had a cup of espresso. Coffee is my addiction. I had my first cup of Starbucks when I was 16, and I haven’t started a morning without espresso since. Back in 2009, I decided to give up coffee for Lent. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the Starbucks by my house went out of business that year on Good Friday. My husband had to get an espresso machine for our house just so we could save some money. It’s that bad. I savored every drop this morning, and I know this is the thing I will miss the most!!
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My last espresso 😩

Now I know what some of you are thinking. It’s OK to have an occasional glass of wine and a daily cup of coffee when you’re pregnant. Some people highlight their hair in the first trimester too. Well, if I am lucky enough to get a positive test on June 14th, I am going to be one of those stick-in-the-mud pregnant women who plays it safe at every turn. I know, I know. I shouldn’t drive myself crazy, lots of people are going to think that’s annoying, it’s impossible to prevent some things and I can’t live in a hole. After all we have been through, though,  I will be the most fiercely protective Mama Hen you’ve ever seen. My greatest desire is for Matt and I to hold our child in our arms, and I won’t let anything get in our way. Please try to understand.

As always, thank you for the prayers and the love. There are no adequate words to express my gratitude to each and every one of you. Please continue to pray that the transfer will go well.

Can y’all think of any more “lasts” I need to squeeze in before morning comes? 🙂