Always Choose Hope

Posted in Uncategorized by prayingtobemommy

This upcoming Tuesday is my 29th birthday. Here is a picture my husband took of me one year ago on my 28th birthday:

I’m sure you can easily guess what I wished for. When I blew out that candle one year ago, I wished that I could become pregnant with a healthy baby. Never since my childhood days had I wished so hard for anything. I was eating at one of my favorite restaurants downtown with my husband and my mom. The waitstaff came out singing, and, much to my chagrin, the air conditioner blew out the candle before I got to make a wish. When they finished singing, they began to walk away. I motioned the waiter back over to our table. I asked him to relight the candle so I could make a wish. Matt asked if I was kidding, my mom shook her head and the waiter looked at me like I was crazy. He happily obliged, though.

You see in past years I wouldn’t have thought twice about asking anyone to relight a candle. Not in my adult years at least. I usually didn’t put too much stock in wishes and absentmindedly wished for something general like good health for my family.

Last December, however, we were in the middle of the infertility roller coaster and things were looking bleak. I was back on birth control recovering from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome with an estrogen level I probably should have been hospitalized for, a multitude of giant cysts covering my ovaries and a uterine lining that was just about destroyed.

It was the month my doctor all but washed her hands of me, told me she thought my chances of conceiving a baby were slim to none and didn’t offer any solutions. I was broken and devastated. I cried hysterically, I got mad, I questioned God and I moped around. Each new pregnancy announcement felt like a knife in my heart. I let myself feel a full range of emotions. Then I realized that even when I thought I was losing my sanity, there was one thing I never lost: hope.

I made a conscious decision to have hope. Being a mom had always been my heart’s desire, and I wasn’t going to let anyone shatter that dream for me. I had already experienced a lot of difficulty and numerous roadblocks. I knew there would be many more in my future, but that wasn’t any reason to give up. I had to change courses and I had to have hope.

When you’re coasting through the good times in your life, you don’t put too much stock into things like wishing on birthday candles and praying with prayer relics. When you’re in the trenches, though, those things become so important to you. They’re signs of hope, and hope is all you have.

So even though the air conditioner had blown out my candle (and my doctor had dashed my dreams), I didn’t give up. I got the waiter to relight that damn candle, I wished with all of my might, I changed courses, I got a new doctor and I made a new plan.

The road still wasn’t easy. We had a lot of setbacks and felt a lot of pain along the way, but my wish came true. One year later, my beautiful little angel is growing inside of me.

I’m sharing this story for all of you who are still in the trenches. Maybe you’re wishing for a baby this year or maybe you’re wishing for your dream job or maybe you’re wishing for something else altogether. Maybe today is the lowest point along your journey, just like my December of 2014. Maybe everyone is telling you that your dream is impossible and it can’t be accomplished. You might even be starting to believe them.

Scream. Cry. Get pissed. You deserve to feel all of those things. But DON’T lose hope. I don’t care if one person or one million people have told you no, it’s impossible, it can’t be done, you are out of options, quit trying. I’m telling you: find another way. Light that candle, make a wish and choose to have hope. Eliminate the people from your life who don’t believe in you and aren’t helping you move forward towards that goal. Find another doctor, find another boss, find another avenue to pursue your heart’s desire. The only person who can ever truly stop you is yourself.

I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not even saying your end result will be the exact end result you imagined or the path will unfold the way you once planned. God might have an even better plan in store for you than the one you have for yourself. What I am saying is that God won’t put a desire in your heart without helping you fulfill it in some way, shape or form. If the things you’ve tried in the past haven’t worked, try something else. There are many different ways to arrive at the same destination. Most importantly: always choose hope. Miracles happen every day.

With love,

Praying to be Mommy

7Dec2015

Lucy Grace in HD

Posted in Uncategorized by prayingtobemommy

Last Wednesday was one of my favorite days of the entire pregnancy. I have always been fascinated by the 3D/4D ultrasounds friends share on Facebook. It blows my mind that technology has come far enough to show us the features of a baby’s face before it’s even born. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would schedule one of those ultrasounds if I was lucky enough to get pregnant one day.

There are a couple of places in town that offer this service. Ever the Type A, over-analytical personality, I started researching all of the different options a few months back. That’s when I discovered a technology I didn’t even know existed: 5D/HD live. A local place called Angel Prints Ultrasound offered it. I scanned through dozens of pictures on their website and several videos on their Facebook page and I was absolutely stunned. The clarity and detail of their pictures and videos was unrivaled. They told me the best time to get a 5D/HD ultrasound is between 28 and 32 weeks. During this time period, babies have enough fat on their face where they no longer look like aliens but they also aren’t SO cramped yet that their faces are all squished. I was SOLD! I scheduled the appointment for 28 weeks and 4 days and started counting down the months and days until I could see my sweet baby girl’s face.

They advised me to drink between 64 and 100 ounces of water each day for at least 2 weeks prior to the appointment. This would ensure plenty of clear amniotic fluid for the best pictures possible. As the day neared I drank up and my excitement grew. I felt like a kid at Christmas time. I just couldn’t wait to unwrap my present.

When the day finally came, I found myself counting down the hours until we got to see her face. I can’t even imagine what I’ll feel like when it’s time to actually meet her.

Matt and I arrived at their office a little bit early and waited our turn. When we were called back, I couldn’t believe how nice the ultrasound room was. I got to lay on an incredibly comfortable bed with soft sheets and a wedge behind my neck. If I had one of those at home I might actually get some sleep! haha! The room was set up like a living room with a giant flat screen TV in front of us.

I hoped that my sweet angel wouldn’t have her hands in front of her face like she has during a few of our past ultrasounds. We were lucky enough to have the owner, Domannic, performing our scan. He said that while she didn’t have her hands in front of her face, she did have her face right up against the placenta which made it impossible to see her. I couldn’t blame her; I’d probably rest my head on that comfy pillow too. 🙂

I was a little worried because I’d heard horror stories from friends who went to other 3D ultrasound places and were told they couldn’t see the baby and sent on their way. Much to my surprise, that was not the case at all. Domannic spent over an hour with us moving my body into different positions until we finally got the placenta away from her face. How amazing is that? When her face finally came up on the screen, it seemed like he was just as excited as we were.

First he pulled her up in 2D and caught a few cute moments. He even caught her drinking the amniotic fluid. That was pretty cool to see!

After recording her heartbeat and positioning everything just right, he switched into HD mode. There she was! There was our beautiful angel. I have imagined her a million times and I dream about her often, but her perfect little face was so much better than any image I’ve ever had in my mind. We watched her yawn, suck on her toes and even smile! It was absolutely indescribable to finally see her face.

smiling with her toes in her face

She looks a little bit like Mommy here.

such long fingers!

: pouty lips

: She looks just like Daddy here.

We even got to take our first family photos:

I would HIGHLY recommend this experience to all of the mamas to be out there. If you’re like me and you feel like you just have to get a sneak peek of your beautiful baby’s face before the big day, there is no better way to do that. Even Matt, who thought it was silly when I scheduled it, remarked that it was “the best money we’ve spent in a while” when he saw her. If you live in the New Orleans, Baton Rouge or Lafayette areas, you HAVE to check out Angel Prints Ultrasound. This is not a sponsored post, I didn’t get anything free and I’m not being paid to promote them. I just feel like it’s incredibly rare to find people who take such pride and joy in their work and go above and beyond to ensure an unforgettable experience for their clients. I promise you won’t regret it. You can find their contact info on their web site at http://www.angelprintsultrasound.com. If you live elsewhere, search for a business that offers 5D/HD live in your area. You cannot even imagine the feeling that will come over you when you see your baby’s face for the first time.

I have spent the past few days staring at her pictures and imagining the moment when they place her in my arms. Now that we’ve seen her in HD, the countdown is on until we see the real life version. 🙂

With love,

Praying to be Mommy

4Dec2015

I Made it to the Third Trimester!

Posted in Uncategorized by prayingtobemommy

Well friends, I know it’s been a while, but I’m writing to let you know that I’ve officially made it to the third trimester! You may remember that I had a tear in my placenta at 13 weeks and bled profusely for 8 weeks straight. I was told I had a 50/50 chance. I would either miscarry the baby or the placenta would heal completely with no further complications. As you know, the placenta healed with full bed rest, and I haven’t had any complications since. All the glory goes to God on that one. The truth of the matter is, though, that while I tried to remain upbeat and positive throughout that entire ordeal, it was what can only be described as the darkest time of my life.

Every day I had to count how many pads I soaked through to know if my baby was OK. I truly wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. My heart goes out to every woman who has ever lost a baby. You are stronger than I could ever hope to be.

The reason I bring up that period of darkness is because at that point in the pregnancy, there was nothing the doctors could do to help me. The baby was simply not far enough along to make it on her own outside of the womb. For those long, dark 8 weeks the doctors kept telling me, “You just have to get to 28 weeks. You have to try to make it to 28 weeks. If we can keep this baby in until 28 weeks she can be delivered safely with an incredibly high survival rate.” I was 13 weeks pregnant at the time. 28 weeks seemed so far away. Unreachable. Unattainable. 15 weeks away. An eternity.

28 was the magic number, though, and I prayed to God every single minute of every single day that He would get me there. I didn’t ask for anything else. I had never prayed so hard for something in my entire life. I thanked God for every new week of pregnancy I reached. Each week was an important milestone on the journey to that ultimate goal.

Last weekend I got to take this picture:

What a moment! I went to mass and fell on my knees with tears in my eyes. I’m here. I’ve officially made it to 28 weeks and the third trimester. Fortunately, we are in such a great place now and there are no longer any plans to deliver her any time soon. We fully expect her to make it to full term. But still, this was such an important milestone for me. There were so many days I didn’t think I’d get here. I have no one to thank but God for getting me this far.

I also have to give some credit to this little fighter growing inside of me. I am so incredibly in awe of this baby girl. They were worried she wouldn’t make it. They were worried she was getting limited nutrients due to the tear in the placenta. Here we are at 29 weeks and they say she’s in the 97th percentile and measures 3 weeks ahead of schedule. God had bigger and better plans for her, and she worked hard to prove everyone wrong.

I would lying if I said that I don’t still worry like crazy. I worry every day. Every time I go to the bathroom I have anxiety that I’ll see blood again. But I think that’s normal. This has become my new mantra:

With this in mind, I have been doing everything I can to enjoy the pregnancy and embrace the fun moments ever since I got off of bed rest a few months ago. I think we’ve done a good job of that. Here are just a few of my favorite times along the way.

Baby’s First Halloween: We put these costumes together at the last minute. Matt decided he wanted to be the Cat in the Hat and when I saw the Thing 1 costume I instantly had the idea to make Lucy Thing 2. With a little hot glue, I was ready to go in no time. It was a fun way to incorporate our sweet girl into the festivities.

My baby shower: My aunts, my cousins, my godmother and Lucy’s godmother got together to throw us an absolutely beautiful shower. There was a torrential downpour that day with tornado warnings, but so many family members and friends braved the weather to come out and shower us with love. It was kind of the perfect analogy for the pregnancy: celebrating in the rain instead of waiting for the storm to pass. It was one of my favorite days in recent memory. It meant everything that our loved ones put so much time and effort into making the day perfect for us. They were so generous, and we got just about everything we needed for the baby.

the hostesses

Lucy’s godmother, Gwen

The most special gift I received that day was a teddy bear made out of one of my dad’s old shirts. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this previously on the blog, but my dad passed away 5 years ago. It breaks my heart that he won’t be there the day my baby is born and he won’t be around to watch her grow up. I truly believe, though, that he held her in Heaven and had a hand in sending her down to us. When I was struggling through infertility, a family friend was kneeling in front of the Blessed Mother and had a vision of my dad holding 2 babies. They were my babies and he said he wanted to spend some time with them in Heaven but when he was ready he would send them down to me. I’m not sure where the second baby fits into the story. It might be a child I’m going to have in the future. However, a few months later I finally got pregnant and found out the baby was due on my Dad’s birthday. We tried for so long to have a baby. Of the 365 days in a year, our little girl just happens to be due on my dad’s birthday. You may think it’s just a coincidence. Maybe it is. I choose to believe that’s another God moment, though. Anyway, I will always treasure this bear. It eases the pain to know that Lucy will be able to snuggle with a little piece of her grandfather. Thank you, Darlene, for this beautiful tribute.

Matt came at the end of the shower to load up the presents, and they even surprised him with a huge coffee mug (he’s going to need it) that says “New Daddy, get ready to have your world rattled.”

Working on the nursery: For years I have daydreamed about what I would want our baby’s nursery to look like. If it was a boy I wanted to go with a nautical theme, because Matt works on ships and loves to fish and be on the water. If it was a girl I wanted something sweet and delicate. I always told Matt that I wanted to get a chandelier for the nursery if we had a little girl. He said that was ridiculous and there was no way he would go for it. One day shortly after I got off of bed rest, he looked over at me and asked if I wanted to go pick out a chandelier for the nursery. I’m sure it won’t be the last time he changes his tune for his little girl.

Picking out the chandelier!

We had a lot of work ahead of us before we could start her nursery because we had to renovate our entire upstairs. We bought our house 3 years ago and left the upstairs alone to save money. Once we found out we were expecting, we started slowly working on projects up there.

renovation craziness

I’m so happy and relieved to say that the renovations are finished and baby girl’s nursery is complete. It came out better than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I go in there, rock in the glider and just look around imagining how much love and joy is going to fill that room soon.

One of my favorite parts of her nursery is this Shakespeare quote on the wall. After all of the things she has overcome in utero, I think it captures her essence perfectly.

It’s hard to believe that there are only about 10 weeks left until we get to meet this child who is the answer to our prayers. Her birthday will be here before we know it. I want the time to pass quicker because I just can’t wait to meet her, but I’m trying to also remember to enjoy the journey and soak it all in.

To all of you who are struggling and going through dark times right now, just know that you won’t be in that valley forever. Although the road seems so long and it seems like you’ll never get to that bright light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you will. Keep pushing. Keep praying. I can’t tell you that one day you’ll be the same person you were before it all began. You will be so much stronger than that. You will come out with a renewed sense of faith that God will never bring you to something without bringing you through it. You’ll come out with a new sense of self, and you’ll come out with an even greater respect and appreciation for the happy times. The light always shines the brightest just after the darkness gives way.

With love,

Praying to be Mommy

Praying to be mommy

Chronicling my misadventures on the journey to baby

Monthly Archives: December 2015

Always Choose Hope

Lucy Grace in HD

I Made it to the Third Trimester!